Wednesday, May 23, 2012

FOR ALL THE MEN IN OUR LIVES WHO ASK, "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG IN THE RESTROOM”;)


 
 
 
 
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. 
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
 

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
 
You get in to find the door won'tlatch.
It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers"(invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy,
 but empty. 
You would hang your purse on the door hook,if there was one,
but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on theFLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance." 

In this position your aging,toneless
(God I should have gone to the gym!!!)thigh muscles begin to shake. 
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold
 "The Stance". 

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.In your mind, you can hear your mother'svoice saying,
 "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWNthere was no toilet paper!"Your thighs shake more. 
You remember the
tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -the one that's still in your purse.(Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).That will have to do.You crumple it in thepuffiestway possible. It's stillsmallerthan yourthumbnail. 
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
 
The door hits your purse,
which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. 
"Occupied!"
 you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. 
It is wet of course.
 
You bolt up, knowing all too well that
it's too late. Yourbare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seatbecauseYOUnever laid down toilet paper -not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. 
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly,
dear,"You just don't KNOWwhat kind of diseases you could get". 

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propellinga stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
 
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too
 
At this point, you give up.. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
 
You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.
 
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket! and thenslink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
 

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, .....so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
 

You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
 
A
 kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.(Where was that when you NEEDED  it??)You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this". 

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.
 
Annoyed, he asks,
"What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" ........... 

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms
 (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!).It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs.It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door! 

Send this to all women that understand what bonding in the bathroom is all about!
 

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
 
Hard to Find...
Supportive....
Comfortable
 ... 
Always Lifts You Up...
 
Never Lets You Down, or Leaves You Hanging,
 
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
 

Friday, May 4, 2012

bravo!!....lolz

Santa(in a coffee shop to Banta):Drink the coffee fast

Banta:Why?It is too hot.

Santa:I am paying. Drink it hot.

Banta:Why?

Santa:Didn't you see the menu? Hot coffee Rs.30 Cold coffee Rs.45

Sunday, April 15, 2012

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Friday, April 13, 2012

A very insulting parrot!!

This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.

"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"

The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.

She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"

The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"

Funny Pictures of Celebrities!









Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Don't tempt a woman!!

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good
trip.
The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for
you?'

The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl !!!'
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how
was the trip?'
'Very good, thank you.' 'And, what happened to my present?'

'Which present?' She asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'
'Oh, that' she said
'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for 9 months to see if it
is a girl !!!'


Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are
 dangerously
intelligent!

Monday, April 9, 2012

Genie joke!

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?" 

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator:

1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!" 


3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 


4. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 


5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 


6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral


7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!" 


8. Meow occasionally. 


9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.


10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Sweet Test!

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.

This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right..


While at the funeral of her own mother, a woman met a man who she did not know. She thought he was 'amazing'. She believed him to be her dream partner so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.

A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?

Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below..
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Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.

This was a test developed by a famous American psychologist, used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.

Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly... If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

What's the prognosis?

     A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
     That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He said to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asked, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response…
So the husband moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeated, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response…
     Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again no response…
     So, he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinnnnnner?" Again there is no response…
So, he walked right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
     "Ralph, she said, "For the FIFTH time I’m telling you its CHICKEN!" 

Monday, March 19, 2012

THE TRUTH!

  A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is equal to

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then,

Hard Work

H+A+R+D+W+O+ R+K

8+1+18+4+23+ 15+18+11 = 98%

Knowledge

K+N+O+W+L+E+ D+G+E

11+14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+ 5 = 96%

Love

L+O+V+E

12+15+22+5 = 54%

Luck

L+U+C+K

12+21+3+11 = 47%

most of us think this is the most important ??? )

Then what makes 100% ?

Is it Money ? .. NO ! ! !

M+O+N+E+Y

13+15+14+5+25 = 72%

Leadership ? .... NO ! ! !

L+E+A+D+E+R+ S+H+I+P

12+5+1+4+5+18+ 19+9+16 = 89%

Every problem has a solution, only if we perhaps change our attitude.

To go to the top,

to that 100% ,

what we really need to go further... a bit more...

ATTITUDE

A+T+T+I+T+U+ D+E

1+20+20+9+20+ 21+4+5 = 100%

It is OUR ATTITUDE towards Life and Work that makes OUR Life 100% ! ! !

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING.

Friday, March 16, 2012

That's business...!

DAD: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
SON: No
DAD: The girl is Bill Gate's daughter.
SON: Then Ok.
DAD GOES TO BILL GATES....
DAD: I want your daughter to marry my son.
BILL GATES: No
DAD: My son is the CEO of the World Bank.
BILL GATES: Then Ok.
DAD GOES TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD BANK....
DAD: Appoint my son as the CEO of your bank.
PRESIDENT:No
DAD: He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
PRESIDENT: Then OK

Thursday, March 15, 2012

An Elderly Man!

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “They’re not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving…now what do we tell them for Christmas?” 


Sunday, March 4, 2012

Tiny Frogs!

Dear All

The story about 
the tiny frogs….   
Life’s lesson
No. 1










There once was a bunch of tiny frogs,...
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… who arranged a running competition.
The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower.


A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants...
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The race began...
          Honestly:
No one in crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower.
You heard statements such as:
"Oh, WAY too difficult!!
They will NEVER make it to the top."
or:
"Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!"
sapo5
The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one...
... Except for those who in a fresh tempo were climbing higher and higher...
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The crowd continued to yell
"It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!"
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More tiny frogs got tired and gave up...
...But ONE continued higher and higher and higher...
This one wouldn’t give up!

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At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny frog who after a big effort was the only one who reached the top!
THEN all of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it?
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A contestant asked the tiny frog how the one who succeeded had found the strength to reach the goal?
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It turned out...
That the winner was DEAF!!!!

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The wisdom of this story is:
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Never listen to other people’s tendencies to be
negative or pessimistic...
…cause they take your most wonderful dreams and wishes away from you. The ones you have in your heart!


Always think of the power words have.
Because everything you hear and read will affect your actions!

Therefore:




ALWAYS be…

thumb up
 


POSITIVE!

sapita flor

And above all:

que estes bien

Be DEAF when people tell YOU that YOU can not fulfil YOUR dreams!
Always think:
I can do this!